Movie Review - Super

James Gunn’s Super is, quite frankly, one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while.

What? Are you serious? Didn’t you see Kick-Ass? It was so much cooler.

That is neither here nor there because I liked Super on so many levels that comparisons are futile. Let’s dive in, shall we?

"Crime doesn't pay...but plot sure does!"

Story vs Plot

Okay, so let’s boil it down. Super is about a schlub named Frank who helps get a hot chick off drugs, marries her, only to lose her back to drugs. After a bout of depression, our schlub resolves to save his wife and get her back off of drugs.

That’s the story. Pretty simple, right? I mean, shit, it’s…a love story. It’s got love, loss, depression, sacrifice, suffering, redemption. Good stuff.

So what’s the plot? Remember, story is the route. Plot is what happens along the route. And in this case, our schlub chooses a very interesting way of heading down that road to save his wife. His choice: become a superhero.

Actually, I should back up. Our schlub (played by Rainn Wilson, by the way) is actually told in a vision by God to save his wife. You see, our boy needed a kick in the ass. And because a Christian super hero also appeared in the vision (great cameo by Nathan Fillion), Frank puts two and two together. God wants him to become a superhero and save his wife.

That’s the plot. Everything that Frank does and everything that happens to Frank en route to saving his wife. And boy is it a fun one. A dark one, to be sure, but fun. And enlightening, if you’re receptive.

"So, you want to get to know my...character?  Hmmm?"

Characters

The only way this kind of story works is with great characters. Nobody gives a shit about some everyday person deciding to become a super hero. Or a person who’s already awesome deciding to become more awesome by wearing a costume. Nor do they care about some forgettable character dealing with love and loss.

We gots to have depth, man. And we have to have characters who “fit”. So, Frank is a schlub. Works the grill at a diner. Little to no confidence. Has a history from childhood of being shat upon. Then he gets a chance at a hot chick. A chick that needs help. A chick who sees goodness in Frank and knows he’s the one who can help. And he does. Because he’s simple he’s able to see her need and fulfill it.

She gets clean. They get married. All is well. Until it’s not. Kevin Bacon enters the fold, playing a rather charming drug dealer, who gets Frank’s wife to not only jump off the wagon, but to jump out of his life all together.

So we have a schlub who is simple and good and wants nothing more than to have a nice simple life with his wife. But he can’t unless he does something about it. As mentioned above, he gets sent on a mission. A mission from God. To save his wife.

Thus, the Crimson Bolt is born. Now if Frank had always been cool or even normal, this transformation wouldn’t resonate. But because he was a sad sack of shit, this new found confidence is…believable. Maybe it’s new found confidence. Maybe it’s a bit of insanity, but it makes sense for his character to go down this road. The character fits the plot and is layered with depth, simple depth, that resonates throughout. But it is this simple depth that leads to simple justice. Brutal justice. So, what was born out of a desire to do pure good leads to a twisting of it. Is it because his mind is twisted or just his view of the world?

Speaking of twisted, every superhero also needs a sidekick. Enter Ellen Page as the comic book store employee, expert on all things superhero, and just a tad bit insane. Enthusiastically insane. Her sidekick name: Bolty. And where Frank finds confidence and justice in donning his costume, Bolty finds indulgence and vengeance. Where Frank wants to affect good, even if he doesn’t see the harm he’s doing, Bolty just wants blood. She wants payback. And she wants to indulge her fantasies: whether they be getting the asshole who keyed her car to having super hero sex. She is a product of her time where violence and sex are glamorized and human beings are reduced to play things.

"Smashing skulls is serious business.  It's not a game."

Both fool themselves into thinking what they’re doing is good. But they’re doing good by doing bad. Using violence against violence. Stopping pain by unleashing pain. If their mission is good, they route is twisted. Hell, their route is perverse.

Which leads to the next point-


Realism

This movie is real. Where comic books use violence as an entertainment, this movie uses violence to reflect a grim truth: vigilantism is ugly. Yeah, cutting in line is bad. But the punishment for it shouldn’t be hitting the offender in the head with a wrench. And this movie shows what a wrench does to a skull.

I found myself laughing at some of these scenes. Specifically, when the Crimson Bolt gets the drop on a guy molesting a little boy. Who doesn’t want to beat a scum bag like that with a wrench? But then when it got to the scene of beating the guy and his wife for cutting in line, I didn’t laugh. Kind of smirked but I started to get that uncomfortable feeling. Like, yeah, this isn’t right. Then it clicks. This doesn’t solve anything. Hell, this is wrong.

And there it is. Comics are cool. But comics aren’t real life. Want to know what a real superhero looks like? Want to know what a wrench can do to a skull? Want to see how violence begets violence? Keep watching. Remember, Batman is basically a sociopath on the side of good. Same goes for these cats.

Bolty doesn’t see that, though. She thinks it’s fun and games. A bullet wound. Beating a guy with a statue. Hitting somebody with a car. It’s almost like she’s playing a video game with people. Completely detached from reality. And through this detachment, Frank finally sees where he went wrong. He lost sight of the mission. He indulged and perverted his quest. He hurt people and got himself damn near killed. He, in a way, corrupted a troubled young girl by allowing her to play superhero.

 "Wrong movie. This is a different corruption."

Let me rephrase: he sort of sees it.

Because he quickly loses sight of it when he goes on a kill or be killed mission to save his wife, bringing Bolty along with her new claws. Explosions. Shootouts. Lots of killing. Death, death, death.

So why do this? Why have Frank see all this only to toss out the lesson and further indulge in mindless violence?

Because, for Frank to do what he feels he has to do, he needs the world to be black and white. Not gray. It’s the only way, he believes, he can save his wife. So, these drug dealers are bad and made the choice to be bad and stole his wife and now he’s going to unleash righteous hell on them to save her and make them pay.

Frank even illustrates this point when he’s got Kevin Bacon cornered. Kevin points out that what Frank is doing is no better than what he’s done. To which, Frank replies:

“You don't butt in line! You don't sell drugs! You don't molest little children! You don't profit off the misery of others! The rules were set a long time ago! They don't change!”

See, black and white. Now, spoiler alert, Kevin further asks if killing him is really going to change the world? To which, Frank replies:

“I can’t know for sure unless I try.”

Again, black and white. All to ensure his wife’s safety from here on out.

The right way? No. Frank has a good point about the rules but he doesn’t understand why the rules were written in the first place. And it’s the only way to bring them back. That’s the only way to change hearts and minds: by making people understand why. Otherwise, it’s purely rule through fear.

"I'll show you fear. Ooops! Wrong movie again."

I love the ending of this movie. Because Frank is a flawed human being who still makes the wrong choice in the end (in my opinion). Because he still succumbs to the solution of violence. Because he refuses to acknowledge that the rules are only rules if people still believe in them. His actions are those of the frustrated and desperate. Who doesn’t feel like that? But in the end, he still loses.

You see, it’s not a happy ending. Frank gets his wife back but loses her again. Not to drugs this time. But to the love of another man. She goes off and marries someone else and has kids. And Frank accepts this. Even believes this was the way it was meant to be. She’s happy. And he’s satisfied.

It’s a real ending. Cathartic. Frank isn’t sorry for what happened. And he doesn’t think what he did was evil. At the same time, he isn’t indulging his own frustrations anymore. He did what he did and saved his wife. He learned something along the way. Most importantly, in his mind, it was worth the sacrifice to save her, even if it meant his soul. Black and white. Whatever happens to him, doesn’t matter in his eyes. As long as she’s alive and doing well, he’s perfectly at peace with all the good and bad things in his life, with an eye toward the good moving forward.

A simple and yet deep ending to a simple and yet deep flick.

 "I like deep endings.  Damn it, wrong movie again!"

Coming Soon...

...From Gallows Press.  Featuring my short story "Pigs".  More to follow as it becomes available.

And no, that's not me on the cover although that is the exact look I had when I found out I was going to be the father of three girls.

What You Should Order Right Now

Today is the official release day for John Mantooth's short story collection Shoebox Train Wreck.  Why should you order this?  Because you'd have a tough time finding a better short story collection out there.  Like horror?  Noir?  A little sci-fi?  Grounded in the Southern-style?  Then this is your book.  It's the kind of book that makes you hate the writer because of how good it is.  And I'm not the only one who thinks so.  Check out John's website to get a taste of what other authors and reviewers are saying.  Then hop on over to Amazon to pick-up a copy of the paperback. 

Drive-By Updates

1.  My novel PROGENY sold and looks like a June 6 release date.  More details to follow but I can tell you this will be an affordable paperback.  There will also be an e-version soon thereafter.  No word on any hardcover but plans are in the works.

2. My short story "Pigs" will be appearing in the first Gallows Press anthology.  No word on a specific release date but it will be SOON.  I'll let you know when it's available.

3. GUARDIANS, the sequel to DEMON, is looking like a Fall 2012 release.

4. CRANK STOMP is still at the publisher considering it.

5. Working on some stuff, including a possible collaboration, but nothing super firm yet.  Too tired from babies and work to really focus on anything other than revisions.

6.  Expect another detailed movie review soon...

From Consideration to Sale

So, in the a last post I talked about my accidental Santa Muerte series.  I also listed  the works that are currently part of that series.  One of those works is a novel titled PROGENY.  In the list, I pointed out it was under consideration for publication.

Well, not anymore.

Happy to announce PROGENY has found a home.  More to follow soon...

The Accidental Series

Sometimes a writer has an idea for a big story.  A story that can't possibly be told in one book.  And sometimes that big story has a big world that comes with it.  So, they know it's going to become a series. 

And sometimes a series happens by accident.  Sometimes within that accidental series and accidental world forms.  Suddenly, the writer has a happy accidental sandbox to play in.

I'm going to talk about accidents and how they're pretty awesome.

A couple years ago, I wrote a short story called "The Reverend's Powder".  It was about 4,000 words long.  I work shopped it at the Borderlands Boot Camp in 2006 (where Snutch Labs became a reality).  Never sold it.  Then along comes 2009 and I get a chance to submit a novelette to Sideshow Press...only I don't have one ready.  So I take that same short story, add about 6,000 words to  it over two days and send it off.

And they buy it.

Lucky me.  Happy accident. 

Fast forward to 2010.  Snutch Labs is working out the plans for Tales from The Yellow Rose Diner and Fill Station.  I got this idea for a story.  Drug cartel.  Sex slavery.  Death worship.  Good stuff.  Plenty of mining potential.  I write it and the book gets put together and I'm happy as a clam.  Story title: "Dying of the Light".

Then I talk to Sideshow about doing a sequel to The Reverend's Powder.  Another novelette.  They say sure.  Now I just need to write the damn thing.  I have a couple of ideas but they're kind of dumb.  Then I think about the world I created in "Dying of the Light," specifically the cartel and death worship.  And an idea festers.  And I start writing, tying the main character from the former into the world of the latter.  Pulling in the whole climax of TRP into the sequel and relating it all thematically to DotL.

11,000 words later, Consecrated Highways is done, and so is the third tale in what I'm loosely calling The Santa Muerta series.  None of this was planned out.  I never thought, Hey I should do a whole series on death worshipers.  I should plan it all out so it'll just line up right and everything will fall into place perfectly.

No, it was an accident.  But it worked out.   I can honestly say the stories in this series, in this world, are the best stories I've written.  Period.

And there will be more.

So if you're interested, here what the series looks like right now:

1. THE REVEREND'S POWDER (available as a chapbook, limited hardcover, and e-book).

2. "Dying of the Light" (available in TALES FROM THE YELLOW ROSE DINER AND FILL STATION).

3. CONSECRATED HIGHWAYS (coming soon).

4. PROGENY (a novel that is currently under consideration at a publisher).

5. "Gladius or: Marty Robbins Doesn't Play Here Anymore" (a short story that wraps up the TRP and CH storyline; coming soon).


And like I said, more to follow. 

Copies of The Yellow Rose Still Available

As is the case with most things, people sometimes say they'll do something and then decide later not to.  In terms of Tales from The Yellow Rose Diner and Fill Station, some people pre-ordered but when it came time to pay, they for whatever reason decided they were no longer interested.  Maybe it's finances.  Maybe I pissed them off for shitting all over The Tourist or Avatar.  Point is, their loss is now your gain.

If you missed out on the original pre-order window, well, you're in luck.  Sideshow Press has about 10 copies of Yellow Rose looking for a home.  In addition, Bad Moon Books also has copies available (not many, I know).  So, if you regret not pre-ordering, time for redemption.  Buy now or weep forever.

Why weep?  Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say this book will make the final ballot for a Stoker award.  I also think at least three of the stories have a chance to make the final ballot for long fiction and all six have a chance to make the preliminary ballot.  That's how good this book is.

It will change your life.  I'm not kidding you. It will literally change your life.  Hell, my own story changed my life.  It'll at least kick you in the nuts.

Doomsday Preppers

So I've watched a couple of episodes of this show, mainly because I'm fascinated by how much people are willing to prepare for the shit to hit the fan.

Full disclosure: I have GOOD bags (Get Out of Dodge for those not in the know).  Basically, there's packed with a couple of change of clothes, a knife, water bottle, extra cash, etc.  I also have quick safes with important documents.  This is in case, shock, we have to get out of Dodge fast.  Now I've done this for several reasons, chief among them is experiencing the hurricane cycle of 2005 in Florida (Dennis, Katrina, Wilma, oh my!).  I also have experienced two sets of apocalyptic wildfires in San Diego ('03 and '07).  The Easter earthquake of 2010.  And then the Great Black Out of 2011.  Not once did we flee.  But we were ready.

Shelter in place?  Fuck that.  My ass is getting out of Dodge if the shit truly hits the fan.

So I watched a couple of episodes, seeing if there were any nuggets of info I could use.  Most of it is extreme.  Mad Max stuff.  Which is fine if you want to live your life expecting the world to end.  But I prefer to enjoy life and if it ends, well, I'll deal with that when it happens.

Point is, these people do nothing but obsess about doom.

But the doom they fear is kind of...boring.  Yellowstone eruption?  Shit if that blows we're all fucked.  Financial collapse?  Fine, could happen.  Be ready to barter.  Got it.  Pole shifts?  I think I'll be dealing with more important stuff at that point than how much food I have canned. 

Nothing exciting at all.  Which is sad, because I was hoping to hear from the guy preparing for the zombie apocalypse.  Or the no-shitter alien invasion guy.  Or the Four Horsemen guy. Or the super honest guy preparing for the Rapture and admitting he's gonna be Left Behind.

Nope. 

Which is strange because I know those guys are out there.  And would be far more entertaining than watching a hippie walk around LA and eating weeds as a salad (BTW, do you know how many bums have pissed on that salad, homey?).

Anyway, it also got me thinking.  No one is preparing for a nuclear war anymore.  Which is interesting because nukes are still probably the biggest threat as far as causing the destruction of global society.  And no one is preparing for massive disease outbreaks.  Which are probably the second greatest threat.  Nope, Yellowstone and the fall of the dollar.

And here's another thing.  Back during the first Gulf War, people came out of the woodwork to claim it was the start of Armageddon (because it was a war in the Middle East).  Then after 9/11, the doomsday Armageddon crowd started up again.  War in the Middle East and all.  But those guys have gone silent.  Why?  I mean, there's literally like five wars or almost wars going on over there right now.  Iraq is quieter but far from cosmopolitan.  Afghanistan is still the wild west.  There's a covert war going on in the mountains in Pakistan.  India and Pakistan still hate each other and conflict still festers in Kashmir.  Iran...well, you know where that's heading.  Syria's on fire.  Libya was on fire.  Egypt is eating itself.  Yet no one is saying, "Behold!  The END is near!"

So to all you Armageddon doomsdayers, where's the heart?  Where's the pride?

Anyway, remember, if the zombies are coming, cardio is important. 

Movie Review - The Tourist

Not good.

And here’s why:

It fails within the first fifteen minutes. Now you have to get through to the end to realize the exact moment it fails. I mean, the whole movie slogs and bores and is filled with amazing coincidences. But it’s the ending that knocks you back about an hour and forty minutes to one scene. And you realize right from the beginning, the movie was full of shit.

Here’s where I scream: SPOILERS!

 "I love being spoiled...over and over again."

Okay, still here? Good.

So, let start with some positives. Good cast (including supporting), pretty locations, and a few moments of appreciated humor.

"I'd like to think I'm rather positive."

That’s it.

Now the negatives.

Bor-fuck-ing.

The story: girl’s in love with boy who just happens to be a thief and is wanted by the authorities and the gangster he stole billions from. So, it’s a “will love overcome all obstacles” story. Great.

The plot: mistaken identity, cock teasing, twists and turns, cock teasing, close-ups of Jolie’s lips, turns and twists, gun fire, boat chase, Jolie’s lips, strangling, dancing, climax to the final outcome…love overcomes!

Yeah!

Sounds interesting, right?

"Uh, yeah, I guess it sounds interesting."

Sure, until you watch it. This movie is slow. Whoever directed sure as shit doesn’t know how to pace action scenes. Don’t believe me? Watch the boat chase scene. Watch how many times Jolie pushes that throttle to the max. Then check out how slow that boat is going. It has to be the slowest boat chase scene in movie history.

"I think I know how to handle a throttle.  Zing!"

The same goes for the chase across the roof tops. In this case, slow works because they're running on tile and the tile keeps giving way. Makes sense. The problem is it goes on for way too long. One roof. Then another. Slip. Another roof. Gun shot. Slip. Whoa, another roof. A ledge. Slip. Another roof. And so on.

Another huge issue is the logic. Johnny Depp is mistaken for an internationally wanted criminal. A guy who stole billions from a gangster. Now I understand why the gangster wants him. He wants his fucking money back. But I don’t get why the British want him. I mean, they’re not after him for being a criminal or stealing from a criminal. No, they’re after him for owing over seven hundred million in unpaid taxes.

"Be careful.  There's a shit ton of logic problems out there."

Riddle me this: how can you owe taxes on money you didn’t earn but stole? And why would you be the one to have to pay it? And how does the government know exactly how much he owes? He was an accountant for a gangster. Didn’t they hide the amount of money?

Okay, even if you bought this horseshit, can you explain to me why hunting for this guy who owes back taxes demands the attention of multiple surveillance teams, high-tech surveillance gear, snipers, multiple law enforcement agencies over multiple years. Now there’s a throw-away line in the movie that this operation has cost eight million. Yeah, bullshit. Considering the man-hours, gear, countries involved, cost to other operations due to the amount of people on this one, I can guarantee you it cost has run into the hundreds of millions.

And even if you’ve bought the back taxes and the cost of the operation, tell me this: why on earth would the authorities go after a guy who owes seven hundred million when there’s a bigger fish in the same room whose assets number in the billions? Wouldn’t it be better to get that guy and seize all his illegal shit around the world, and then divide it amongst all the countries he has shit in?

So, story, meh. Plot, slow. Logic…fucking retarded.

Now let’s talk about convenience.

"I'm all ears...and other things."

Like I said, a lot of shit in this movie happens thanks to convenience. And it all ties back to that scene early in the movie that crashes the whole thing.

Let’s list a few:

1. The fact no one but Jolie and the gangster know what the real thief looks like yet everyone knows how much he owes in taxes.

2. The fact Jolie just happens to be an undercover cop. And just happens to be suspended from the force for, uh, not doing her job and arresting the thief when she was supposed to. Wow, that’s awfully kind of them.

3. The fact Jolie just happens to know where the crooked cop is taking Depp to sell to the bad guys. Now you could say, “Hey, she was monitoring the police station and followed them.” To which I say, “But that wasn’t established in the scene.” Instead, you see Depp on the boat and they go down the canal and into the fog and tie up to a dark pier and then the cop gets off the boat and starts counting his money. And then Jolie shows up, which makes it look like she just materialized out of the fog to come to the rescue.

4. The fact that every one of the Russian thugs, who are basically hired killers, can’t shoot a gun for shit.

5. Timothy Dalton just happens to show up at the end and give the life-saving order for the snipers to kill the Russians before they kill Depp and Jolie. Where the fuck did he come from?

6. The Brit in charge of the operation to take down the thief is kicked off the case at the beginning…yet still manages to maneuver several international police forces into position in a foreign country over a period of days, himself being personally involved, and not get stopped by any higher authority until Dalton shows up at the end. What the fuck?

Anyway, those are the ones that jump out at me. There's one more major one, the one that kills the whole thing, but first I want to address the ending and the shitty logic of it.

You see, the movie is about mistaken identity. Two faces for every person. Who they are and who they’re hiding. Jolie is in love with the thief but he’s in hiding. She hasn’t seen him for a year or so. She’s in Paris. She gets a note from him to go on a train and find someone who looks like him and convince the authorities who are following her that that stranger is in fact the thief.

Everyone got that?

So Jolie goes on the train, starts scoping people out. Even chooses a guy before his wife shows up. So she settles for Depp.

She settles for Depp. He wasn’t her first choice. Got that?

Okay, so we’ve got this fish-out-of-water but part of you is probably starting to think, “Hey, I bet Depp is the real guy and this is all just a scam, misdirection, to get the authorities off his back.” He’s gotten plastic surgery. Changed his accent. But Jolie and him are in on it. This is kind of them getting to know each other all over again, and have a little fun playing cops and robbers.

Sounds kind predictable but could be enjoyable.

But the movie continues to play Depp as an innocent tourist who gets sucked into it. And you start to leave that other prediction behind. We get to the end, Depp ends up saving the day and the gangsters get theirs. The cops move on to trying to find the real thief. And then we find out…

Depp is the guy.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Jolie didn’t know.

So you’re thinking this feels odd.

Because if Jolie didn’t know, how the hell did Depp know she would pick him on the train? He’s not even in the front. What if she did end up with the first choice? Was he going to insert himself in somewhere else? No, the point was to get her with him on the train so the authorities would i.d. him and realize he was an “American tourist” before getting to Venice. So Depp needed her to find him right away.

That’s why it made sense that Jolie would know ahead of time. She would know who to pick. But she didn’t and picked him by pure coincidence. Which makes this very fucking convenient.

Which also makes the logic of the ending completely fucking retarded.

Because in the end, she got what she wanted: fired from her job and her man free of the authorities. He got what he wanted: his girl free from working with the authorities, gangster dead, and love. It makes sense that both of them would be in on it because they need to both have some serious skin in the game to take these big risks for love.

Instead, she’s in the dark. Good thing it all worked out. Fuck.

So, knowing the ending, we can go back to that scene on the train in the first fifteen minutes and realize it was a moment of movie convenience that she picked him with no thought put toward the actual logic of the plot going forward nor toward the ultimate resolution.

Which means the movie going forward from this lazy moment of writing is full of shit.

And one more thing: Jolie was told to find someone who looked like him...by him.  But he's had $20 million in plastic surgery not to look like him.  But sort of does...but nobody who knows his original face recognizes him.  So how did she pick someone who looked like him that doesn't actually look like him?  And why does Depp repeatedly ask her if he looks that much like him, even though he doesn't?  And if he did, wouldn't it make sense that she would eventually recognize the man she loves?

Fuck, my head hurts.

I guess it's a good thing Depp didn't look like this before having plastic surgery:

No one would have put two and two together for sure.  The point is Depp paid $20 mil not to look like his old self.  He looks completely different.  So the idea of Jolie finding him on the train only makes sense if she knew ahead of time that that was him.  Which she didn't.

I guess you can say her heart knew...but that's fucking stupid.

"Man, my heart can see you coming a mile away."

Horror Web Review of The Yellow Rose

Great review up at Horror-Web.  Go here to read it.

A small tease from it: "Erik Williams...writes...to perfection."

Just sayin'.

Revised Repost: The Wolfman Still Sucks

So I wrote a review of this movie about a year and a half ago.  Figured I'd revise it and expand a bit in areas to get it in line with my new review policy.  Without further delay:

 

Here’s the new news: this movie still sucks.

That about sums it up. The movie looks great. Good cast. Pretty good score. But the plot points are…dumb.

And this is where the movie utterly fails.  Remember I’ve said a map is all possible stories.  A story is the route chosen from point A to B.  And plot is what happens along the way.

So what the story?  A man discovers his family has a dark secret.  One that’ll soon change him both mentally and physically.  He needs to deal with that shit before a ton of people die (i.e., eaten).  

The plot – fuck if I know.  I mean there is one.  We get from Point A (the beginning) to Point B (the end) but the route taken is like some mish-mash of freeways and dirt roads and collapsed bridges.

In other words, the plotter sucked at his job.

 "Has someone seen a plot around here?"

Remember the original The Wolf Man with Lon Chaney? The main character, Larry Talbot, gets bit by a werewolf and then becomes the Wolf Man. Mayhem follows. In the end, Larry gets killed by good old dad.  Kind of sad.  A sad story about a father and son and how one needs to kill the other to protect the rest of the human race. That’s conflict, man. The plot is all the stuff that happens along the way.

This one? Well, now he’s Lawrence Talbot. His brother gets killed by a werewolf. He goes home and we learn his past: mother killed herself; Lawrence spent time in an asylum before becoming a great actor; Dad is a big hunter with a man-servant named Singh. Lawrence is determined to find who or what killed his brother. He determines the gypsies passing through town might know something. But then the werewolf attacks the caravan and Lawrence gets bit. There’s a lot of talk about the family being cursed. Singh seems to know “something” cuz he’s got silver bullets. Dad seems to know “something” cuz he’s got a secret chamber with a special chair with straps and clamps.

Hmmm….

From this, I deduced that Papa was a werewolf and his lovely wife used to help him every full moon by strapping him in the chair. But after years of the stress of knowing she’s married to a literal monster, she finally broke down and killed herself. Papa carried on her task, cuz he loved her so much, by locking himself in the chamber. That would make sense cuz love has a way of making people restrain their darker selves. Get it?

"You see, Son, your mother and brother questioned my story logic...

so I fucking ate them. Best keep your mouth shut."

Of course, the movie went in a completely fucking different direction. Papa was a werewolf but instead of his wife helping him he actually ate her and it was Singh strapping him down every full moon. Which begs the questions:

1. Why the fuck didn’t Singh kill Papa, I don’t know, right after the first full moon when he saw the bastard turn into a werewolf? Or hey, how about after Papa decided he wanted to start munching on people again? That would have been a good time to kill him, right Singh, you dumb bastard.

2. Why the fuck didn’t Singh tell Lawrence, “Hey, you’re hosed. Dad’s a werewolf and so are you. I’m checking out.” And shoot both of their asses then and there. Then he could have fled back to India and hunted Bengal tigers.

3. If Papa loved his wife so much, why did he eat her? And where was Singh. Would you keep a man-servant around whose sole job was to restrain you once a month, failed, and let you eat your own wife? Neither would I.  When Lawrence is in the asylum, Papa comes and visits and tells him he picked up the curse in India after a kid bit him.  Singh restrained him every full moon.  But fucked up one night and mom got herself ate.  He managed to restrain himself up until he got into a fight with other son (who died at the beginning).  He ate him.  Liked it.  Decided to stop restraining himself.  To which I ask: so you felt bad about killing your wife but not your son?  Shit, father of the year material.

4. What exactly was the point of the gypsies? They played no significant part other than to say, “He is cursed” and “It’s his fate”. Way to go, useless gypsies.  (For further information on the gypsies and why they’re important and how they’re actually appropriately used for both plot and story, see the original flick).

5. Oh, the love interest was the reason Papa decided to kill his own son. Cuz she reminded him of his wife and he didn’t want to lose her to his son. Uh, he ate his wife. And he really didn’t show much remorse so did he really mean he didn’t want her to go cuz he wanted to eat her too? In which case, why the hell didn’t he eat her instead of his son?

6. The love interest, who sells antiques, decides to take it on her shoulders and figure out how to cure werewolfism. Uh, the girl who SELLS ANTIQUES is going to figure out a way to cure fucking werewolfism?  Really? Sure, why not.

7. What the fuck does the silver cane have to do with anything?  It’s never used yet it seems important.  And why is it given to him by a strange old dude who seems to know something’s up?  And why wasn’t it part of the antique store?  Shouldn’t it have been given to Lawrence there?  Makes more sense that he gets a cool cane at an antique store than some strange dude on a train that never plays a part (dude or cane) in the rest of the movie.  (For further information on the cane and why it’s important and how it’s actually appropriately used for both plot and story, see the original flick).

8. The love interest decides to save Lawrence by going to Papa’s house, both of them being werewolves and her knowing it, on the night of a full moon. ON THE NIGHT OF A FULL FUCKING MOON! Couldn’t have waited until the next morning, huh?

9. And why is everyone meeting on a full moon?  Lawrence just wrecked havoc in London on a full moon.  Then gets to his house at the next full moon?  It took him a month to get home?  Yet it took the antiques girl a few days?  And she just happened to figure out that Lawrence wouldn’t be there until the full moon?  Why wasn’t she already there?  Why wasn’t she waiting for him, saying, Hey, let me tie you up until tomorrow and we can settle this shit when Papa is an old man again and you’re your logical actor self?

I’ve got a headache. 

Anyway, if you’re going to go to such extremes to talk about curses and have gypsies, why not make it a blood curse on the family? That could have been cool. Father passes it on to the eldest son. Eldest son refuses to bear the burden and decides he’s got to end it because of some gypsy rule like “the bearer must be killed by a loved one and only while in wolf mode.” Son tries to kill him in the chamber of doom but Papa breaks free and kills his own son. When he comes around, he’s guilt ridden. But he can’t kill himself because he would then pass it on to Lawrence. Singh, though, realizes what’s happened and kills Papa while he’s sleeping and flees to India. Lawrence now has the curse passed on to him and turns during the next full moon while he’s performing on stage in London. Singh hears about what happens while traveling and reading a paper. He realizes he must return and finish what he effectively caused. During the following full moon, Singh hunts the Wolfman down and kills him. See, that would have been a hell of a lot better.

In fact, I like my version so much more I might write it myself, set it in modern times, and change the man-servant to…well I can’t tell you all my ideas. But I’m calling dibs on this.

Anyway, it was a dumb movie. Too bad. Go watch the original. Don’t waste your time on this piece of shit.

Oh, and I hated the CGI change. Rick Baker did the make-up and his work on American Werewolf in London still looks better than CGI. Should have let him do the changes.

 "Give me the fucking keys you fucking cocksucker."

The Yellow Rose is Shipping!

Okay, TALES FROM THE YELLOW ROSE DINER AND FILL STATION is officially in and shipping!  If you were kind enough to pre-order back in September/November/December, you should have received an e-mail from Sideshow Press letting you know to complete the order (ie, pay) and then the book will ship.  If you didn't receive an e-mail like that, check and make sure it didn't go to SPAM.  If it's still not there, contact the publisher at sideshownews@gmail.com

Thanks for all the support.  Hope you dig the book.

The Yellow Rose is Coming!

That's right.  Tales from The Yellow Rose Diner and Fill Station is in and shipping.  If you pre-ordered a copy, you should have received an e-mail letting you know to pay.  If you didn't pre-order, well, you're going to have to find a place that ordered more than one copy and has it for sale...

...Like this place.

The Transformational Power of the Bathroom in Pulp Fiction

Okay, so this isn't a review.  But it is an observation.  I've been catching Pulp Fiction a lot lately on cable at night while trying to keep the twins from losing their shit.  I've seen it a ton already.  I love this movie.  So I don't mind picking it up in any act while bottle feeding or rocking or begging for peace and quiet.

That being said, I picked up on something recently I've never picked up on before.  The transformational power of bathrooms in this movie.

Hear me out.

It seems every turn in this movie hinges on a bathroom visit or bathroom visitor or something.  There's some form of potty and humor or what have you involved in every major act.

Don't believe me?

Follow me down the rabbit hole.

First there is the scene in the first act with John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson executing the dude who thought Marcellus Wallace was a bitch.  While they're shooting, there's a dude holed up in...the bathroom with what looks like a .44 Magnum.  Now we don't learn this until the final act but it's part of that same scene if taken sequentially.  What happens?  He busts out and shoots and totally misses both of them.  Get's filled with lead.  And then it happens.  Sam has a conversion. He feels likes he been touched by God because it's a miracle he's alive.  Travolta, not so much.  Which will seal his doom later.

So, Sam is transformed after surviving the bathroom hit, so to speak.

Later, Travolta takes Uma Thurman out for dinner.  During that dinner, she goes to the bathroom and snorts some coke and gets all hyper and wants to win the twist contest.  This is important for two reasons:  one, it foreshadows her later overdose on heroin because she snorts a ton, thinking it's coke.  Second, it sets up the friskiness between her and Travolta which ulitmately leads to...

Her house and Travolta excusing himself to the bathroom where he talks to himself in the mirror, convincing himself it is not a good idea to sleep with the boss's wife.  Meanwhile, Uma's in the living room O.D.ing on his heroin.  Two bathroom visits that ultimately transform both characters.

We move on to the middle portion with Bruce Willis.  It starts with him as a kid being told the story of his father and his father's father and their gold watch.  Basically, it boils down to it surviving war, in of all places, hidden up somebody's ass.  His dad dies of dysentery.  So, all potty related in a broad way but still, potty related.

Later, Bruce and Marcellus end up in the basement of the pawn shop.  Marcellus ends up getting raped by two rednecks (something hidden up his ass).  Not necessarily potty related but ass related and tying into the watch up the ass early in the act.

But that's trivial compared to Travolta's demise.  Again, he's in the bathroom.  This time at Bruce's place.  Bruce comes by to get his watch.  Travolta is waiting to ambush him but needs a shit break.  While he's on the throne, Bruce comes home, finds the Travolta's gun, and blasts him as he's coming out of...the bathroom. 

You'd think that was it.  Especially for Travolta.  But no.  He's influenced by two more bathroom scenes.

There's the bathroom scene where he's cleaning blood off his hands at Tarantino's house.  Which leads to a blow up with Sam and directly influences how he deals with Harvey Keitel later.  Then there's the diner.  He's arguing with Sam, who wants to quit the life over surviving the shoot-out earlier.  Travolta disagrees.  He thinks it was a freak occurrence.  Sam won't listen.  To which Travolta says he needs to "Take a shit.  To be continued."  After he heads for the bathroom, the robbery starts.  The robbery which ultimately changes the lives of Sam, Ringo, and Yolanda.  Travolta comes out near the end and is only back-up.  If he hadn't been in the bathroom at the beginning, shit would probably have gone down differently.

So, why am I pointing this all out?  Fuck, I don't know.  I just thought it was interesting that every major plot point in the movie seems to hinge on taking a piss or shit.  Weird when you boil it down that way.

Where I Tell You How You Can Help Support This Author

By buying his work, of course.  But that's obvious.  No, instead I want to take a moment and talk about that Amazon banner right above.  And the Amazon Scroll-Motion Widgets on the side there. 

Now I know some of you think Amazon is evil.  Think it's a big bad corporation who wants to take over the world and destroy all small mom and pop places and force everyone to buy stuff from them.  Got it.  I disagree but hey, we can do that and still get along.

If you are like me, though, you probably use Amazon a lot.  Why?  Cuz they got shit I can't get anywhere else.  Like books.  Yeah, that's right.  I stopped buying from local bookstores for the most part years ago because they didn't have the books I was looking for.  Same thing with movies.  Best Buy?  Sometimes.  Amazon? All the time.


Isn't that great?  A reliable place you can actually get the stuff you want.
So, Amazon has been good to me as a consumer.  It's also been awesome to me as a writer.  You already know about e-books and their royalties and Kindle and self-pubbing and all that.  If you don't, Google it.  

Point is, Amazon has done well by me.  And the love doesn't stop there.  If you do their Associates program and put these little widgets on your page or a banner or link and someone clicks on it and goes to Amazon and buys something well, I get a cut.

I mean, you were going to buy something from Amazon anyway.  Doesn't even have to be my stuff.  But because you got to the site by clicking on a link from this here website you're on and reading this right now, and because you then went on to purchase anything from a heater to early European T & A films, well, I get a slice.

This is great for writers for obvious reasons.  We tend not to make much money in the first place.  It allows us to link to our work available on Amazon (See Scroll Motions on the left).  And it gives us a little extra income from those who want to see us keep the writing habit going.

So, if you want to show some love and you want to buy something on Amazon, remember to stop here first.  Click on that banner right there at the top.  You'll get your product.  I'll get a few cents.  Everyone's happy.

And if you want to show love by buying something I wrote, see again those Scroll Motions right there on the side.  E-books.  Regular books.  Come one, come all.